I’m going to take my notes from my analysis of Untitled Short and rewrite the story in pieces based on the original paragraphs.
John found himself alone again after a long hectic day at work. It was a nice reprieve from the hustle of his post. The cold metal under his bare feet was soothing as he sat on his bunk in his quarters. He spent some time just relaxing, his eyes closed as he took deep breaths focusing on the sounds from outside. Footsteps echoed in the hall beyond his door. Muffled voices filtered through what little soundproofing was provided.
I’d like to break this paragraph up a little, expand on some details. Start with a bit of vague expressions about the first two sentences. Add a simile or metaphor about the way his bunk feels (third sentence). More details in the last few sentences about the sounds themselves, similes or metaphors.
John found himself alone again after a long hectic day at work. It was a nice reprieve from the hustle of his post. Dealing with so many people always left him drained mentally. The effort of standing for so many hours at a time taxed his body too.
He took a seat on his bunk and felt the foam embrace him. Bending over, he slowly removed his boots, dropping each one with a loud thunk. After peeling off his socks he laid back, lowering his feet onto the cold metal floor. The sensation shot goosebumps up his legs. He closed his eyes and let out a sigh.
The stress melted away slowly as he continued to relax, focusing on his breathing. He reveled in the solitude with no one to interrupt. Breathing slower still, he began to focus on the sounds from the hallway beyond his door. The constant hum in the background brought him peace. Heavy footsteps and muffled voices filtered through the meager soundproofing reminding him he was not alone.
Still not too happy with how this turned out. It’s definitely a lot better than the original, but I really feel like there could be a lot more detail. I think I’ll end up going over everything at least three times. Who knows, maybe that’s my process. . .